Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
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When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure