Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
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Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Jokes on them. I took 10.