Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
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Funny because it’s true. 🤣
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Yoga Matt
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.