Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
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Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.