When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
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Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive