You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
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I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty