Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
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Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don鈥檛 drink.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I used to be married, but I鈥檓 better now
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I鈥檓 going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it馃槖
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell鈥檚 hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
My kid hasn鈥檛 finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate