Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
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“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can