BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
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Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.