Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
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I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]