BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
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I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Wait a minute