boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
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Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
This January has 47 Mondays
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what