Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
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Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.