Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
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Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.