Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
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snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?