[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
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I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.