boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
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genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Oops
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
me and who
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*