me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
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Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity