parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
You Might Also Like
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Me too
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?