When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
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ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
adam and eve had first world problems
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.