BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
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Once again not all heroes wear capes
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy