Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
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*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I’d … I’d rather not.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.