Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
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(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”