BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
You Might Also Like
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I鈥檓 allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn鈥檛 coming to work
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Me: I don鈥檛 know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I鈥檓 a self-made hundredaire
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Just accidentally spilled my cat鈥檚 food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 馃槀
Jewel: 馃幖 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you鈥檙e ahead
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there鈥檚 a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it鈥檚 important to leave the house sometimes (because it鈥檚 the only way you鈥檒l see a dachshund puppy)
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
How badly am I doing? I鈥檓 considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
A fake ID that makes you younger
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own