Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
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Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.