Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
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Guilty! 🤪
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I’m Sold!
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
ibopfufen
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
plant them where lol
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.