BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
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Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.