Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
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fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.