BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
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Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper