Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
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I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
grotesque if literal: baby food
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
My Guy
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Body by Oreos
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.