Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
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5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Bringing home a sharpie
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
They got a point!
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them