BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
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*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15