Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
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Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Best spot.. 😅
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.