Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
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It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
do horses think humans are hats
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
i hate you platonically
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Social Media and Real life
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
The internet is magic sometimes.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.