“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
You Might Also Like
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
When they try to steal your moment.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
hmm conte-me mais
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”