Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
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*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)