BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
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Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
(Jupiter –
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish