When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
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the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
black phone good
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!