“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
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Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Lucky for them, they’re cute
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…