Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
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I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Life cycle of cat
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.