Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
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Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada