[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
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THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward