*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
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Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.