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Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.