Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
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[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”