just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
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[loses house key, starts a new life]
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
i now pronounce you bounced.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.