BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
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Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
#merica
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know