Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
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Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.