boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
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The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
“what’s it like having a sister?”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
what?