Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
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Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
that’s really how it is
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
finally found a reasonable question
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I need this for my side hustle.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.