BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
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Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.